To Zachery

Dear Zachery,

I just left you at Nana's house again. I cried as I drive away. After two and a half years I don't cry as often when I leave you. I can't decide if that is a good or bad thing, I know you hate it when I cry though.

I am writing this and posting it in a public forum in the hopes that when you hate me later you will understand that I loved you.That I love you still. That every decision I make, whether it seems like it to you, I make to try and make your life better.

I don't know if you'll even remember the conversation we had in the car a few weeks ago. The conversation when I told you for the first time details about our lives with your biological father. How crazy and abusive he was. How finding out I was pregnant gave me a light in a very dark world. You were the reason I didn't kill myself then and you are the reason I haven't killed myself now.

I have struggled with severe crippling depression my entire life. I don't always make the right decisions. Like trusting Tony. And doing everything possible including giving my last dime to help other people. I will never forgive myself for the bad decisions I made in helping him. Because, it led to you living with Nana I promise you at the time it was supposed to be temporary. But, then Nana gave you the kind of life I never could. And then Grannie and Papa needed me. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here. If you have any questions about it ask Nana or Aunt Rissa or Uncle Josh or me.

I just want you to know that no matter what has happened or will happen I love you. You are my reason for being.

Mom