Willpower

Willpower is an odd thing. You can't measure it. There isn't a standard for what is a little or a lot. I'm sure there are people that think I don't have any. I mean look at me....I'm fat, I don't always follow through on the things I say I'm going to do, and I have some pretty crazy food addictions. But, what people don't realize is the amount of sheer willpower it takes for me to get out of bed on a daily basis.

I have severe debilitating chronic clinical depression. This is something I have battled my entire life. It's not the kind of depression where something bad happens and I get sad. This is a disease like diabetes. Something I deal with every single day. Sure some days my levels are fine just like a diabetics blood sugars are fine but there are other days where the effort of breathing is almost more than I am capable of.

I could easily be a drug addict or alcoholic. I'm sure I would get more sympathy if I was. But, I don't.
I have considered killing myself more times than I can count. I have multiple plans on how I would do it. I know that if I do my son will qualify for survivors benefits from the government. I wait until the last minute to get out of bed every morning because today is the day I'm finally going to give up. What does it matter if I get out of bed? Oh that's right, money. And all those people who rely on me to make money. The money that I stress about every single week because it's never enough.

So every single day I drag myself out of bed. I get dressed and I go to work. I do this knowing that I won't get anything out of it. I do this knowing that it will actually create more stress not less. I do this knowing that no matter what I do it will never be enough and that my son will hate me for it. Because to him I am never there. And I am never happy. But for him I get up and I do it. Every. Single. Day.

That is willpower.