Treasure: Rae's Story

Treasure

I wake up slowly in a beam of sunshine. Wonderful, warm sunshine. I stretch luxuriously and slowly. My gray fur rubs against the carpet. I am a cat. Those humans that I live with call me Buttons. My name is really Alexis. But, you can’t tell humans anything. They aren’t smart enough to understand cat or any animal languages. I personally understand 762 different dialects and can speak 551.

Before I am fully awake I wonder what I should do next. Should I go hunting? Go find my humans and try to communicate with them? Or play with my sparkly ball?

I come fully awake at that thought and remember. My ball, my favorite, most prized possession had disappeared. I blame the smallest human. He of the sticky fingers and lack of personal boundaries. His is not one of the dialects that I am able to speak or understand.

Now I lay here in the beam of too bright, hated light and wonder where my ball could possibly be. I haven’t seen it in HOURS. At least three of them. This is the longest three hours of my existence. And it is the reason I went to sleep in the first place. What is the point of being awake without my precious wonderful ball?

Maybe you have seen it? I’ll describe it for you. It is the size of a baby bird. It is pink and green. It has sparkly yellow stripes with blue feathers. It is the most beautiful ball you’ve ever seen. It’s no wonder someone stole it. It must be worth a fortune to hose humans. Don’t the things that sparkle cost the most to them?

I can’t take it! I don’t know what I will do without my ball! How can I go on living? OK Alexis pull yourself together. First things first, get out of the sun. That dratted sunlight is so annoying. I drag myself listlessly into the food area. The humans call it the kitchen. They are sitting at the table eating what they call dinner. I cry mournfully so that maybe one of them will find my ball. The woman human that I have heard called Rae gets up from the table. “Oh are you hungry?” she says. She opens a can of cat food and dumps it into my bowl. The bowl that says Buttons on the side. The bowl that I hate with every fiber of my being right now. I turn up my nose and stalk haughtily away. How can those idiot humans think of eating at a time like this? Don’t they know I am in the midst of a crisis? It’s just like a human to only think of themselves.

I stalk down the hallway to the small human’s room. I think the woman human calls him Logan. He calls himself something that sounds like Bumblebee. Those humans are insane. Maybe they go around changing the names of everything. I mean look what they did to me! Buttons, honestly what kind of a name is that?

I start poking around the small ones room because I know my ball must be here somewhere. Where else could it have possibly gone? He was always touching my stuff. Like those plastic cars he plays with. Doesn’t he know those are mine? He obviously does not understand the cat hierarchy system. Stupid humans.

I try to jump up on the windowsill to see if my ball is outside but there is all kinds of junk up there. Why did these people insist on cluttering up a perfectly good sleeping area? They insisted that they had to sleep in these things called beds. And they tried to make me sleep in one as well. I must admit it was soft and warm but I do not believe in limiting myself to only one sleeping space.

I jump up to the small bit of open space on the windowsill and bat all of that junk onto the floor. I look out the window but all I see are more people. Ugh they are everywhere.

Suddenly, I hear the man human yell, “Buttons! Why is this in my shoe?” I run down the hall to see what he has. It is my ball! I remember now. I put it in the shoe to keep it safe.

I wind myself around and around Roger’s ankles out of sheer joy. I love that Roger man so much. I run to the kitchen to show Rae and Logan that I  found my ball! I bat it to Logan and giggling he rolls it back to me. We play like that for a long time. After we are done I eat my food out of my beautiful bowl. Then I go and sleep in my soft, warm, wonderful bed. It is positioned perfectly in a patch of sunlight. I have the best humans.

A Week In The Life Day 4 & 5

Wednesday

Ugh I slept through ALL of my alarms except the last one that went off at 5:50. My alarm goes off every 5 minutes for 30 minutes. That means I slept through 10 alarms. 6 at 4 am and 4 at 5:30. A combination of allergies and sleeping on a cloud is not working well. Made it to work early though woo hoo.

Speaking of making it to work...I hit the guy I was relieving with a door and scared the bejeebus out of him. Because I am evil this makes me giggle.

Started my computer homework. I quickly realized it is going to require printing out the specs or having a huge headache. I choose printing. Computer homework shall wait for tomorrow. Today is all about story writing. Hopefully, inspiration will smile on me today.

Two stories written so far! Kiki and her zombies are giving me trouble. There may be a nuclear explosion in the future of this story.

I spend my post lunch time browsing Oh My Disney! like I do every day. Yeah I only pretend to be an adult.

Four stories total done and I didn't have to bomb any zombies. I think I may have run out of inspiration for the day though.

Walk with sprints done. Set a new personal record and the app didn't save it. This is upsetting.

Thursday

Thursday was pretty much the same as Wednesday. Stories written. Schoolwork done. Went for a walk with the dogs and the air was so heavy it was like walking through pea soup. Came home laid down and just chilled. 

The Blogger app deleted the rest of what I did for Wednesday and Thursday. Luckily they were quiet days but I am upset. No more Blogger phone app for Maggi.

The Dawn: Kiki's Story

The year is 3059. Zombies have taken over the world. For the last 20 years we have lived like savages. Only the strong and cunning have survived. There is a small group of women who fight the hordes. My name is Kiki and I am the leader of those women. We, and other groups like ours around the world, are fighting against them. Our goal is to rid the world of zombies. And we have a plan.

Unfortunately our group is not comprised of fighting experts. We do each have our specific skill sets though. One of our ladies, Red, is a genius. She built a time machine. From films that we have been able to unearth, we discovered a time of mighty warriors. Those warriors were called “cowboys.” We recently brought some of these cowboys to our time and have been acclimating them to the world we live in. It is time to go on the offensive in this war.

The head cowboys name is Sam. Sam and I are planning on storming the zombie headquarters. You see, the zombies were created by a virus that was created in a lab. A lab that was hidden in Portage, Pennsylvania. It is the zombie Mecca. Eventually they all congregate here. Who would have ever expected the zombie apocalypse to start in Pennsylvania? I guess that was the whole idea.

We believe that the antivirus is in that lab. The plan is to fight through the zombies, break into the lab, steal the antivirus, and release it into the atmosphere. The theory is that it will kill the virus along with the host bodies. This is unfortunate but those people have been dead for a long time. Sounds easy right? I wish.

Zombies are active 24/7. They do not have the basic human need of sleep. Their only driving force is killing. This means that no matter when we attack we will be fighting an army of zombies. So…we attack at dawn. Why dawn? Because, if we die we will die with the sun rising. Sam and his men are in charge of firepower. The women will be doing the stealing and releasing. Red built some sort of device that can be used to propel the antivirus into the air. I don’t know how it works. I didn’t ask.

Dawn. Sam’s bunch sneak from bush to tree to get as close to the zombies as possible. One of them is spotted and all of the zombies are alerted that new fun has begun. The air is pierced with the sounds of bullets and screams. Not just screams of pain. The cowboys scream out what they call “war whoops.” I watch as a cowboy is literally torn limb from limb.

My women take off running for the laboratory. My special skill set happens to be breaking and entering. The zombies have never figured out how to get into a locked building but I have. When we are inside we head for the research area.

Red boots up the computer system. The rest of us stand at the ready, waiting. We wait either for death or victory. Maybe both. Red triumphantly yells that she found the antivirus. But, there’s a catch. Once it has been taken out of refrigeration it must be released within 10 minutes. The longer it is out the less chance it has to work. Also, it obviously must be released outside.

I go to the front door and manage to get Sam’s attention to let him know what is happening. Zombies have come out of the woodwork and we are outnumbered at least a hundred to one. He looks at me and says, “Do what you have to and we’ll do what we can.” 

The women run out of the facility circling Red as they go. We are immediately attacked by zombies. As we kick, punch, bite, and hair pull Red sets up what looks like a neon pink miniature rocket. She presses the launch button just as the zombie horde breaks through our lines of defense.

I watch the rocket streak into the air with one eye as I watch all of the people left on Earth that I care about being torn apart with the other. I pass out right before the rocket explodes deploying it’s cargo into the atmosphere.

Three months later.

            I survived the battle that day. Barely. I’m short a couple of limbs and my face is permanently mangled but I lived to see the zombies destroyed. It took about a month for the antivirus to travel the world. It will take the world much longer to recover. There were few survivors of our battle. The cowboys who survived were sent back to their time. Red made it and she is in charge of the research facility that we broke into. She is developing a vaccine to keep this from ever happening again. I don’t know what I will do now. All I know is, I will start every day with the dawn.

A Week In The Life: Day 3

Tuesday

I had a very disturbing dream last night. Where my grandmother and I got into a huge knock down fight. Slapping was involved. Well she slapped me. In my dream I couldn't bring myself to slap her.

This new pillow top mattress is WAY too comfy. I can't seem to drag myself out of it. OK OK I know mornings are not my thing anyway. We start our mornings out with a whimper followed by a huge burst of energy. Or at least a huge burst of panic which looks a lot like energy.

To the meteoroligical powers that be. 84% humidity is too much humidity. Make it stop. And the 92 degree day coupled with that makes it impossible to take my patient outside.

I am done with week number two's school work except for my computer class. I don't know if I can tackle that assignment. It seems a little overwhelming.Whimper. This what I do post is quickly evolving into a what I think post.

Decided to start a personalized story writing contest for my next English Comp assignment. Should be fun.
Wrote a little on my first story. I'm not sure how I'll work myself out of the literary corner. I also received a couple of crazy ideas from friends. First literary corner defeated.

Because of the fact that I'm the idiot who left her almond milk in the car all day I stopped and got McDonald's for dinner. It is amazing how quickly eating crap makes you feel like crap. Ran home and took the dogs for a quick 15 minute walk.

Went to a friend's house to support her in her new business venture. As we were leaving I looked down and saw a THING on my chest. I may have shrieked before I realized it was just a frog. Shay and I giggled about that all the way back to her house.

Went home and went to sleep. Welcome to my Tuesday.

a week in the life: day 2

I started this morning off behind. Because I was way too comfortable and I did not care to get out of bed thank you very much. I let Biggun' go outside in the yard because he stays in the yard. I guess it's like Vegas to him. "What happens in the yard, stays in the yard."  I stuck Kujo/Houdini on a leash and out the door we went. He stood in one spot glaring for two full minutes. I was timing him. I was kind of vaguely aware of some huffing noices but wasn't really paying attention. All of a sudden Kujo goes into attack mode. And so did the deer that had been huffing. We quickly and ungracefully went back inside. By the way no pottying happened but I'd rather clean the mess later than have to explain at the ER how we got attacked by a deer.

I make it to work and spend the next two hours uplaoding and posting videos from our trip to the zoo. (I has my priorities in order ladies and gentlemen. While it is Monday and I should be working on schoolwork, I got pretty far ahead last week. So, after video loading I spent a significant part of the day ripping books on tape to my MP3 player so that I can listen to them anywhere.

Just got a call from my grandmother. The lawn maintenance guys who apparently just show up whenever they want are at the house. I forgot to give her back the key to the backyard fence yesterday so they can't get into the yard. They said they will come back tomorrow. Problem solved? Oh no not at all. She wants me to tell her where it is so they can go into MY BEDROOM and get it. No I don't want you allowing some strange man in my room. In fact I want you to keep the entire universe, including yourself and all family members, the hell out of my room. Also the dogs will attack some strange man who just walks into my room. Nope not going to happen.

Then we had the great fuse debate of 2013. She's pissed at me which happens about once a week. I guarantee that when I get home she will tell me all about how upset her stomach is and that she just can't eat and doesn't have any strength. All of this will be said with a plate of food and/or chocolate cake either in the process of being eaten or has been eaten.Oh well tomorrow is another day.

Completed the assignments due Tuesday and Wednesday. Go me! Along with all my normal job duties. Why must the humidity level be set to incubator? We are not hatching dinosaurs here people. If it wasn't so hot I could push my patient in his wheelchair.

My grandmother was in an excellent mood when I got home. I am shocked. I am not shocked that when I told her about the deer and dog issue she was appalled that Kujo would attack her deer.

We did our regular walk with some sprints thrown in. Did you hear me people??? Sprints. That means running.Set a new personal time record.Almost got into two dog fights. One through a privacy fence the other with a dog that looked like a miniature werewolf. Why can't people leash their pets!!!!

My grandmother decided to be crazy tonight. She's fixated on fuses.I don't know why I even try sometimes.And now I have lost all desire to actually do anything

A Week In The Life: Day 1

I have decided to walk you through a week in my life. Some days will be a post all by itself. The boring days will be bundled together. Enjoy.

Sunday 

6:50 am Wake up realizing that it is WAY too light outside. I forgot to plug my phone in last night so it is completely dead. I run around trying to find it. It is in bed with me...I have no idea how this happened and I don't have time to question it. Snap the leash on Houdini and we take off for the backyard. He decides he can't wait for me to open the door and nearly rips my fingers off.

Imagine this part with me running at warp speed:

Shower, hair, clothes. Take out trash, feed deer/birds, bring in newspaper. Text Shay to find out if she is feeling up to going to church. Realize stove is broken, curse whatever broke the stove because this will be all my fault, leave note for grandma that stove is broken, microwave eggs, eat eggs while walking around doing last minute details. Get in car and start driving. Get text from Shay that she is driving herself to church. Call Shay to yell at her because she's not supposed to be driving. Pull up at her house. Stop and get gas. Aaaaaannnndddd....we're at church. It is now 8:20. 

Talk to all the wonderful people that we get to see every Sunday. One wonderful lady brought me a bag of vegetables from her garden. This was the best surprise. The preacher's sermon was about not being normal because normal nowadays is over-scheduled and never take time for yourself, your family, or God. He also mentioned something about some people not being normal in a different way. At this point all my friends looked at me. Ha jokes on them I have no interest in being "normal." 

First service is over so I must drive Shay home and come back for second service where I play with the kids for an hour and a half. It's a tough gig but I make the sacrifice every week. This involves a lot of jumping around, yelling, and giggling. That's just the adults. The kids are a little more somber.

I run off to meet my mom at the scheduled place and at the scheduled time. Instead she shows up an hour late. We go to Shay's house for two reasons. 

1. She is giving me a bed
2. My mom is teaching her to crochet

While Mom works on that crocheting thing Zachery and I move the bed out to the truck.Evidently my son needs to move furniture more often. He did great for a first timer though. Shay informs me I need to learn to crochet because it is relaxing. My mother informs her that even though I know HOW to crochet I do not crochet because it stresses me out and could cause a nuclear fallout. I have come to the conclusion that I would've made a terrible frontier wife and would have required my own wife.

Off we went to the zoo.On the way we had a discussion about what should be done if a bad guy tells you they will shoot your parents if you don't leave with them quietly. The answer...call their bluff. If they actually shoot your parent then that parent would happily give their life to save yours.

 My two year old niece had never been to the zoo before. Seeing someone discover the zoo for the first time was a blast. Videos were taken so we will remember forever. 

Off to Sam's Club so my mom can exchange something. We snuck in right as they were locking the doors and received attitude from the exchange lady.

Get back to my house. My grandmother asks me what I'm going to do about fixing the stove. Like I'm a handyman. Unless the stove needs CPR we are outside of my area of expertise. My mom comes to the rescue and fixes the fuse that apparently only runs the stove. Who wires a house like that? 

So we move the new bed in and the old bed to the shed. I make my mom take a picture of the dogs while they were on their leashes because my grandma wants to paint them. It's the only time I can get them head to head. Or...whatever I don't know. Pictures were taken. Z, my son, scared the crap out of me as the dogs and I took off down the road. My earbuds turned him into a ninja.

After our walk I sat down to write this while watching Whose Line Is It Anyway. This is quality TV and I'm thrilled it's back on. Now it's bedtime in my new bed. 

This was my Sunday.

California: silly laws

California's Silly Laws

By state:

California prison workers will no longer be allowed to have sex with inmates
Was it legal at some point?
Film producers must have permission from a pediatrician before filming a child under the age of one month
Only in California...
It’s unlawful to let a dog pursue a bear or bobcat at any time.
How big are the dogs there?
In San Jose and Sunnyvale it is illegal for grocery stores to provide plastic bags.
What if you bring your own?
You may only throw a frisbee at the beach in Los Angeles County, CA with the lifeguard’s permission.
Isn't that kind of how all beach rules work?
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Seems legit
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
Did anyone tell the animals?
Bathhouses are against the law.
And are gross
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
No one said anything about smog
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
What do they have against whales?
Women may not drive in a house coat.
However, men are encouraged

City Laws in California

Alhambra

You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
Where are you supposed to leave it?

Arcadia

Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
Cause pretty always goes first

Baldwin Park

Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
How else are they supposed to practice extreme sports?

Belvedere

City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.
Giggles

Blythe

You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
So....horse rancher can't wear cowboy boots?

Burlingame

It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
Well spitting is gross even on baseball diamonds.

Carmel

A man can’t go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
Wives unite!
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
Clint Eastwood doesn't stand for nonsense.
Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
You have to carry them I guess.

Cathedral City

One may not bring their dog to school.

Can Mary bring her lamb?

It is prohibited to sleep in a parked vehicle.

What about RVs?

Persons may not ride their bicycles through the “Fountain of Life”.

Adults can though. 

Cerritos

All dog “waste” must be removed from any yard within seven days.

.....

Chico

Bowling on the sidewalk is illegal.

Spoiling all the fun

Driving a herd of cattle down a street is against the law.

This ain't the wild west people..

It is illegal to plant a garden in any public street.

Is this really a problem?

Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

They may want to increase that. Inflation and what not

One must obtain a permit from the city to throw hay in a cesspool.

Sure why not

It is illegal to own a green or smelly animal hide.

Ewwww...

Dana Point

One may not use one’s own restroom if the window is open.

I....what?

Downey

It is illegal to wash your car in the street.

Do that sort of thing elsewhere

El Monte

Waitresses are not allowed to consume drinks bought by her customers.

What are they supposed to do with them?

Sandboxes may not be used as ashtrays.

Good idea

Pinball machines are outlawed, as well as mock horse racing games.

Trouble right here in River City...that starts with T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool!

Eureka

Persons may not sleep on a road.

Good looking out 

One must seek written permission from the Director of Public Works before playing baseball in a city park.

Tyrant

Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.

That would be one way to keep from getting cooties

Fresno

No one may annoy a lizard in a city park.

Lizards go to parks to relax and have fun like everyone else

Skipping rocks in a city park is not allowed.

Parks in Fresno are boring

It is against the law to hold a private bingo game.

hmmmmm....

Permanent markers may not be sold in the city limits.

Keeps down the graffiti

It is illegal to sell gasoline to a drunken person.

Gasoline purchasing requires a clear head.

Elementary schools may not host poker tournaments.

Poker is not good for moral fiber.

Getting drunk on a playground is against the law.

We're very concerned about that moral fiber.

Glendale

A person must be 18 years old to buy a wax container.

Wax containers are dangerous stuff

It is illegal to jump into a passing car.

What about if you're filming a movie?

One may not take his dog on an elevator with him.

But, my dogs don't like stairs

Cars may not be driven in reverse.

EVER???

Hermosa Beach

It is illegal to pour salt on a highway.

It kills the Slug Bugs

Public restrooms must be supplied with toilet paper.

Fully legit law

No person may show his or her buttocks on a playground.

Good rule

Hollywood

It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

That is a lot of sheep

Indian Wells

Fortelling the future for donations is illegal.

What if you do it for profit?

Crushing rocks in the city limits is forbidden.

We can't have any of that kind of behavior

It is illegal for a trumpet player to play his instrument with the intention of luring someone to a store.

The Pied Trumpeter

Drinking intoxicating cement is prohibited.

What is intoxicating cement???

Lafayette

You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Keep your tape measurer handy

Lodi

It is illegal to shoot “silly string” at parade participants.

That stuff can be daqngerous you know

Lompoc

It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters.

Death to roosters!

Long Beach

Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

Cleanest garages in three counties

It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

I'm out

Los Angeles

You may not hunt moths under a street light.

It just ain't sporting

It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

Being a witness is serious business

Toads may not be licked.

Yeah, good idea

It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church.

Who decided that?

Zoot suits are prohibited.

Crimes against fashion

It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

Honey, is it ok if I beat you today?

You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

They might see each other naked.

Los Angeles County

No person may charge admission to a house party.

I saw that movie. Seems like a good idea.

It is illegal to skateboard and roller-skate through the courthouse and library.

And rude

All food in a children's camp must be approved by the director before being used.

That actually seems like a good idea.

It is illegal to set metal balloons afloat in the air.

Yeah...it is against the law of physics

Norco

All persons wishing to keep a rhinoceros as a pet must obtain a $100 license first.

Do you know how much it costs to feed a rhino??? I don't have $100

Growing oleander flowers is illegal.

Probably because they are poisonous

Vehicles may not contain sound systems which allow someone to hear noise outside the vehicle.

Good I don't want to hear your crappy music.

It is unlawful to give another fireworks.

These are mine. Go buy your own.

Ontario

Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Somebody get that rooster a muzzle

Pacific Grove

It is illegal to molest butterflies.

Why would you want to?

Palm Springs

It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Rich people problems

Pasadena

It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Bosses are never to be trusted

Portola

No person may carry a fish into a bar.

It starts too many bad jokes. We just can't take it.

One may not allow his or her dog to chase a squirrel in the summer.

Tell the squirrells to stay away from my dog

It is illegal to fish from an overpass in the city.

What are you trying to catch?

Prunedale

Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Sometimes there are just no words

Redlands

Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is walking ahead of it.

This is especially important in the daytime

Redwood City

It is illegal to have a monkey or a reptile.

No one in my family will be moving there

Riverside

One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock.

That's when you're supposed to eat it not carry it

San Diego

It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

You gotta chase them down on foot

The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

What about trailers?

San Francisco

Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street.

Way to be accepting San Fran

It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

Seems like a good plan

Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.

In San Francisco????

Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

We don't want them strolling all willy nilly

It is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.

Can you wipe someone else's car?

San Jose

It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs.

But I can have 500 hamsters!

San Luis Obispo

Using a gas-powered blower at a business on Sunday is prohibited.

You gotta buy an electric one

Santa Monica

You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Sorry Matthew McConaughey

Shasta Lake

One may not raffle off a dog as a gift in any public place.

Do that in the privacy of your home

Simi Valley

Remote control cars can only be driven in designated areas of city parks.

Not in my kitchen!

Temecula

Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St.

And they abuse it too

Thousand Oaks

Before a business may have a “going out of business sale”, they must obtain a special permit from the city manager.

Gotta make sure you're really going out of business I saw that Zohan movie

Walnut

Children may not wear a halloween mask unless they get a special permit from the sheriff.

Gee what a fun town....

Males may not dress as a female unless a special permit is obtained from the sheriff.

I hope the sheriff isn't against dressing up.

One may not leave sand in their own driveway.

It's such an eyesore

Kites may not be flown above 10 feet over the ground.

Walnut sounds like a real drag

Dumb laws from: http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/california?page=100

Action Movies

Imagine sitting in a semi dark movie theater. You look around and notice the people around you. There are males and females. There are boys and girls. They are young and old. This is because you are in a theater waiting to see the latest blow ‘em up, save the world, action flick. Action movies are the best kind of movies. The genre has something for everyone. They do not require a lot of thought. They are exciting. There is an aspect of fear involved. There is usually some passion and romance. Friendships are forged from fire. The world, or at least a small corner of it, is almost always saved.

            I love movies. Getting lost in a story is therapeutic. The best movies to get lost in are action movies. This is because they do not require a lot of thought. When you see an action movie you are signing a covenant with yourself that you are going to check reality at the door. You have to let yourself believe that aliens have come to take over earth and our only hope is a guy who has never held a gun in his life. You have to truly believe that a person can be thrown fifty feet in an explosion, get up, dust himself off, and fight to the death against killer robots. Sometimes you just need to turn your brain off and let someone else think for you.      

In your average action film there is something for everyone. The movie executives make sure to pander to the greatest common denominator. You are a fan of explosions? We have them. They are bigger and better than any explosion you have ever seen. Are you looking for some eye candy? We have lovely ladies and hunky men for your viewing pleasure. They get lovelier and hunkier every movie. You are looking for good dialogue? We even have that. That is assuming that the movie was written by Joss Whedon. Otherwise dialogue isn’t really our thing. If you are looking for something specific there is an action movie that has it.

Action movies are exciting. There is always some sort of nail biting, edge of your seat action happening. This is why they are called action movies. Depending on the movie you can have car chases, aliens, a guy surfing on the wing of a plane, or a superhero. Sometimes, if you are really lucky, all of those are in the same movie. In action movies everyone is always on the brink of death. I believe this causes the audiences hormones to surge. The men are overcome with testosterone fueled emotions. The women’s protective instincts come to the forefront.

There is also an aspect of fear-fueled adrenal responses. The really good action movies lead you into a sense of calm and quiet. One of the characters believes that things are just fine when the wall behind them explode. The lead character thinks that the monster is dead and things have calmed down when suddenly something jumps out of the dark. The audience jumps in their seats and hearts are pounding. This scene has triggered their fight or flight response. The adrenaline kicks in and they are prepared. Prepared to either fight the threat or run screaming from the room. This kick of adrenaline is actually addictive. It is why thrill rides are so popular. It is why we keep coming back to these movies.

This aspect of danger and fear brings out passion onscreen. The passions are stirred. The kisses are hot. Women are swooning in the theaters. There is nothing quite like that “we are going to die in the next five minutes” kiss. The relationships are hot and fast. This is not a very strong foundation for a relationship. No wonder the relationships never make it to the sequels.

This passion also comes out in the form of friendship. As J.K. Rowling says in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets “There are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.” These friendships that are forged in fire seem to have a much better chance of surviving than the romantic relationships. Knowing that your friend will have your back and will die for you makes for a rock solid friendship.

Finally, there is the reason we all go to the movies. We want to see the happy ending. We want to see the underdog triumph over unbelievable odds. We want to see the aliens get blasted out of the sky. We want to see the hero and heroine standing in the rubble, smoke billowing behind them, the music swelling, and the credits rolling on a kiss. We want to see the little boy waving the American flag while the fighter jets fly overhead. I believe this is because our country was founded on turmoil and strife. We as Americans have always overcome the odds and arose from the ashes like a phoenix. These movies are a metaphor for the American dream.

Action movies bring us all together on an even plain. Together, in the theater, for a couple of hours we are fighting to save the world. We are watching relationships and friendships bloom. We are biting our nails with excitement and cowering in fear. We run through the full range of emotions. We have not had to use any brain power that was not required for the basic human functions of breathing and digesting. Everyone got out of the movie what they came for. The lights come up and you look around. No longer do you see men and women or boys and girls. You see fellow survivors. Ladies and Gentlemen, congratulations, you have saved the world once again. I’ll see you at the movies.

Should I Dress My Dogs Up?

Should you or should you not dress your pet like a human? This is a very simple decision....don't do it.For the love of your pet and for all that is good and holy in this world do not dress up your pet. Your pet lives through enough humiliation already. Especially if you are one of those people who use their pet as a fashion accessory. If you are one of those people stop doing that too.

Your pet does not want to be dressed up. If you have any doubt of this think back to how much you hated it when your mom dressed you. Dogs are the only animals that will put up with that sort of behavior. Why? Because our dogs love us unconditionally. They are willing to be publicly humiliated just to make us happy. Unlike our children. Cats won't even tolerate the idea of being dressed up. If you have a cat that will allow you to dress it up then you either have a dog in disguise or an iRobot cat who will end up killing you for your own good. Good luck with that.

There are a few exceptions that are allowed:

1. You may put booties on your dogs feet if you live in an area of the world where people still live in igloos
2. Bandanas are fine for all occasions
3. An outfit may be worn if your animal is working an undercover sting operation
4. Or if it is Halloween 
5. If your dog feels the need to be pretty you must be able to show a signed and notarized statement from your dog saying as much

Please let's end the damage that is being done to these animals self esteem.

Hot Chocolate

My English Comp 2 professor has assigned us a paper on anything we want to write about. But, first, let us revel in the fact that it is English Comp TWO and I bask in my superiority. Ahem…sorry I’m back.

 Our assignment is to write a paper with a thesis. A thesis being an idea. But, not an idea with a concrete basis. Like “Hot chocolate is my favorite drink” Having a thesis means that it is persuasive.  This means that it is debatable. I have no idea why anyone would want to debate something I say but whatever I’m not the teacher.  Her example was “Hot chocolate is the best drink in the world.” She then said that she didn’t believe we could write three to four pages on that thesis so we needed to pick something else. Well you know me I can ramble on about anything for as long as the reader in my head stays interested. And, since the reader in my head thinks I am vastly interesting and wildly entertaining I said, “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!” Of course once I got this idea in my head I couldn’t go to sleep until I at least got the idea down on paper.  As you all should know by now I get my best ideas when I am trying to sleep. So with no further ado I give you…

Hot Chocolate’s Superiority Above All Other Drinks

Hot chocolate is the best drink in the world. There are many reasons that support my theory. I will be discussing a few of them here. Hot chocolate is delicious. It evokes many childhood memories. It can be garnished with any number of things. It is hot.

Hot chocolate is delicious. It is warm and creamy. It is made out of chocolate. Seriously what more do you need to know? Let me repeat that….it is made out of chocolate. Chocolate is the ultimate comfort food. I know I know there are some people who don’t like chocolate. I question whether those people are really people. I believe they are cyborgs created by the people who make non chocolate candy. Like the saltwater taffy people got together to try and infiltrate our collective subconscious. You will never win saltwater taffy people!

Hot chocolate evokes many happy memories for people. One of my fondest memories of childhood is coming in from playing in the snow to a big pot of hot chocolate. We actually had snow back then. My dad would make it in a huge beat up pot he has had forever. I can still see that pot in my mind. It is also the one he would make chicken and dumplings in. To this day I have never tasted hot chocolate as good as my dad makes it. The secret ingredient is love as they say. Actually I think the secret ingredient was a truckload of sugar. What kind of crazy parent brings their kids inside on a snowy day and sugars them up? My dad that’s who. Then he would send us to the basement where we would attempt to kill ourselves and each other. Usually by performing some sort of wild circus stunt. We were X Games babies before there were X Games.

But, maybe your memories of hot chocolate have nothing to do with mayhem and bodily harm. Perhaps your favorite memory is of sipping hot chocolate with the boy you like while riding in the back of a hay wagon. If this is so please tell me where you live because I want to visit. Or maybe you shouldn’t. My family tends to create havoc wherever we go. It is fun havoc but havoc none the less. What is your favorite hot chocolate memory?

Hot chocolate can be garnished with anything. Want a little, or a lot, of extra sugar? Add marshmallows. Which get all melty and stringy and make the drinking of the hot chocolate even more fun. You can put some peppermint in there. Maybe even a candy cane if you’re feeling all fancy. That’s assuming that your four X Games sugar addicts haven’t eaten them all. I personally like amaretto coffee creamer in mine. It gives it a lovely nutty taste. For the adults in your group you can spike your hot chocolate with almost any alcohol. Bailey’s Irish Cream, rum, vodka, or even the alcoholic version of amaretto. The sky is the limit. I wouldn’t use wine though. I doubt that would taste very good. Adding alcohol has the added benefit of making you not care that your children are attempting to break Evil Kneivel’s jump record in the basement.  And hey if you need to add wine to it…well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Being snowed in for a week with four children definitely counts as desperate. Especially when those children were me and my brothers and sisters. The funny thing is neither of my parents drink. No wonder they yelled all the time. We were very trying children.

Hot chocolate is hot. I asked a nine year old I know what his favorite thing is about hot chocolate and he said. “I usually drink it in the winter. It’s hot so it warms me up from the inside.” He then informed me that since he helped me with my work I have to help him with his. Kids are mercenary little creatures.

Hot chocolate gets those fingers and toes ready for another go round outside on a cold winter’s day. I can’t think of another drink that a child will drink hot. Coffee is out of the question for children. Especially if you are snowed in.  I don’t know a lot of kids that will drink hot tea. Even if they will they’re going to want a lot of sugar in it. You might as well sugar them up with something they enjoy.  I think I finally understand the point. You sugar and warm them up so that they want to go back outside and aren’t underfoot all the time. Well played parents, well played.

Hot chocolate is chock full of warm and fuzzy childhood memories and love. And it makes your kids want to go outside. What more do you need to know?

Challenge accepted and crushed. I managed to ramble aimlessly for three pages. Or rather ramble with aim. My rambling usually has a point you just have to stick around and wait for it. Let’s go have some chocolate.

Potential

Reading this quote by Anne Frank made me pause and think. If Anne had lived who would she have become? She obviously had vast amounts of potential. Reading just these few words takes my breath away. But, all we know is that she had potential.

So what is potential? I looked it up on dictionary.com.

po·ten·tial  [puh-ten-shuhl]  Show IPA

adjective

1. possible, as opposed to actual: the potential uses of nuclear energy.

2. capable of being or becoming: a potential danger to safety.

3. Grammar . expressing possibility: the potential subjunctive in Latin; the potential use of can in  I can go.

4. Archaic. potent1 .

noun

5. possibility; potentiality: an investment that has little growth potential.

6. a latent excellence or ability that may or may not be developed.

7. Grammar .

    a. a potential aspect, mood, construction, case, etc.

    b. a form in the potential.

8. Electricity , electric potential (  def 1 ) .

9. Mathematics, Physics. a type of function from which the intensity of a field may be derived, usually by differentiation.

Basically potential is what something or someone has the possibility of becoming. Except in math. Math messes everything up and I refuse to talk about it. Math is like the serial killer in the family that no one wants to admit they are related to.

Anne Frank is world renowned. Everyone knows here name. Unless you are that one Justin Beiber fan that needs to spend more time paying attention in school. Would everyone still know her name if she had lived? Or if her short life had not been touched by tragedy? Would she have even been a writer if she had grown up as a "normal" teenager?

These are questions that we will never know the answer to. The real question is...are you living up to your potential?

"Own People"

My patient listens to books on tape. Today he is listening to Roll Of Thunder Hear My Cry. This book is set in the segregated south. It is told from the perspective of a young black girl who is struggling with the concept of racism and the fact that people judge her and treat her badly based on the color of her skin. I'm not really paying attention to it but just caught a character saying, "We need to stick with our own people."

That statement irritates me. You don't have your "own people"! People are people plain and simple. The only ones who are your "own people" are the ones your mama says you have to tolerate because they're family. You can say your friends are your "own people" but they're also someone else's "own people."

It's OK for you to hate Frank because he's a jerk who needs to be punched in the face. It is not OK to hate Frank because he's black or Jewish or Muslim or Japanese....do you see a pattern there? Those are all people who have been persecuted at one time or another solely because of the color of their skin or religious beliefs. Hmmmm...isn't that how America was founded. Oh, and by the way you shouldn't hate anyone. I was making a point.

As long as I'm on my soapbox...stop referring to people as that black guy or as that Indian guy or whatever. Unless it is somehow necessary for your story you do not need to tell me a black guy gave you directions. Would you tell me a white guy gave you directions?? Unless you plan on describing EVERYONE that way JUST STOP. This would be like saying a man in a yellow hat gave me directions. Unless you are talking about Curious George's friend this is not necessary! I'm immediately going to label you a douchebag in my mind. And, knowing me, probably out loud.

Save The Books

Giles ruminates on why books are better than computers: "Smell is the most powerful trigger to the memory there is. A certain flower or a whiff of smoke can bring up experiences long forgotten. Books smell...musty and rich. The knowledge gained from a computer is...it has no texture, no context. It's there and then it's gone. If it's to last, then the gaining of knowledge should be tangible. It should be, um...smelly"

Read more:http://www.buffyguide.com/episodes/irobot.shtml#ixzz2c4aWI1uV

This quote from Buffy The Vampire Slayer sums up the reason I won't use an e-reader. There is a special magic that comes from holding an actual book in your hand. Books, especially old books, have a very distinct smell. But why?

I went to Google for the answer. I'm not against computers I just prefer books. Basically the reason that your book smells is because it is made of organic material. Essentially living material. And your book is dying. It was created and is slowly dying solely for the purpose of bringing you enjoyment. That is commitment. That is better than any love story Nicholas Sparks could ever write. Stop and think about the irony of the fact that when you read The Notebook you are holding two heartbreaking love stories in your hands.

Bookstores are like orphanages or animal shelters. All of those books sitting there hoping that someone will take them to a forever home. Barnes and Noble should start playing Sarah McLachlan songs and show pictures of lonely books in their commercials. How could you ever turn your back on a book for a cold odorless computer.

And in the case of spider attack a book can be used as a weapon.

Guns Guns Guns

I had a request for a blog about my views on gun ownership. Alright I am all over that! Wait...what exactly are my views on gun ownership?

My first thought was GUNS FOR EVERYONE! But then I thought, "Is that really true?" With a little more thought I realized that means a gun for my grandma. No thank you. I mean she already has a gun but I doubt it will fire. I do not relish the day she shoots herself or me. And we haven't even started on the no guns for felons policy, which I am behind completely.

So we are down to GUNS FOR SOME PEOPLE! But, what about the stupid people??? No guns for stupid people. Once again I don't want to get shot.

GUNS FOR A FEW PEOPLE! But, only the people I approve like my family. Ummmm....wait I know my family. Those people are crazy. No guns for them.

GUNS FOR MAGGI! Yeah that'll work.


In reality I believe that with the proper training, along with following the law, everyone should have the right to own a gun. The right to own a gun also means you have the right to NOT own a gun. It is all about the freedom of choice. That freedom can and should be taken away if you choose to become a felon. Everyone in my family has been trained in the proper handling of firearms and other weapons from a young age. We all graduated from hunter safety courses as soon as we were old enough. And we were taught not to touch them without adult supervision.

Exercise: It's Good For You Or Something

This is me at church on the Sundays I work with the 4 and 5 year olds. The stairs to get up to their classroom are completely insane. They're like expert level are you kidding me. But this made me think....Let's talk about exercise!

When it comes to me and exercise (or me and pretty much everything in life) I'm all or nothing. I'm either lying in bed with no will to go on or I'm running a marathon. OK that's not accurate I don't do marathons. I don't even run without lots of prior planning and the proper equipment. But it's a metaphor so get over it.

Exercising can be dangerous and hazardous to my health. I sit on a yoga ball at home and at work every day. I can't begin to tell you the number of times I have almost fallen off of it. There was also the one time that I actually did. I ended up with a bruise the size of a football and a five inch gash on my booty. Now I know why you are supposed to check with your doctor BEFORE you start an exercise program. This way they know what you look like before the accidental mutilation begins.

But even though you're going to look like a cat someone threw into the shower when you're done. And there's a potential for massive injury in the form of future humiliating stories. You will feel amazing. And really that's all that matters right?

EXERCISE FOR EVERYONE!

MOOOOOM You're Humiliating ME!

My son will be a teenager by the end of this month. The closer he gets to his birthday the more of an embarrassment I become to him. I actively encourage this by being me. Which means as embarrassing as possible. Because I'm goofy and have no shame.

About a year ago my mother (who also has no shame), my son, and I went to see Footloose at the movie theater. My mom and I were singing the songs and dancing up the aisles at the end. My poor poor preteen son was so embarrassed. He tried his best to pretend he didn't know the crazy women. We wouldn't allow that to happen and pulled him in to our shenanigans. The therapy bills will be worth it.

This past weekend we went to see another movie. We watch a lot of movies. When we are in public he doesn't want me to hug him or kiss him or hold his hand or any other gross mom stuff that could potentially cause him to look even remotely uncool in the eyes of complete strangers. I think he gets this fear from his aunt cause it sure didn't come from me. Thanks for ruining my kid sis.

OK back on topic. So he doesn't want me to hug him or whatever. But when the lights went down he held my hand through the whole movie. When I started sobbing uncontrollably (those animated movies are sneaky you have to watch out for them) he put his arm around me to make sure I was OK. Then when the lights came up and we went for ice cream he acted like I didn't exist again.

I love the fact that he is growing up but that he still loves his mom so much. Even if he doesn't want anyone else to know.

Arizona: Silly Laws

Crazy Arizona Laws

Statewide

There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
I'd love to know why
Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
Donkeys must be kept comfortable at all times apparently
A class 2 misdemeanor occurs if one places a mark upon a flag which is “likely to provoke physical retaliation”.
I don't....what???
It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine.
Only the real stuff for Arizona
When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
Make sure you keep your set of dueling pistols handy.
It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
Well it is the desert.
You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
Who's monitoring this???
Hunting camels is prohibited.
Is this really a problem?
Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony.
That escalated quickly

City Laws in Arizona

Globe

Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
Keep it in the casinos

Hayden

If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
Why does this make me think of Princess and the Frog?

Maricopa County

No more than six girls may live in any house.
Sororities must be small in Maricopa County

Mesa

It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
The business or the person???

Mohave County

A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
All at once?? And isn't that why someone would steal it in the first place?

Nogales

An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
Nogales the birthplace of sagging pants

Prescott

No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.
These people have seen too many movies

Tempe

One must be 18 years old to buy spray paint.
On a serious note this is actually very common because kids use it to get high

Tombstone

It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.
Dentists are making laws now??

Tucson

Women may not wear pants.
Note to self...do not go to Tucson.

Laws found at: http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/arizona

Willpower

Willpower is an odd thing. You can't measure it. There isn't a standard for what is a little or a lot. I'm sure there are people that think I don't have any. I mean look at me....I'm fat, I don't always follow through on the things I say I'm going to do, and I have some pretty crazy food addictions. But, what people don't realize is the amount of sheer willpower it takes for me to get out of bed on a daily basis.

I have severe debilitating chronic clinical depression. This is something I have battled my entire life. It's not the kind of depression where something bad happens and I get sad. This is a disease like diabetes. Something I deal with every single day. Sure some days my levels are fine just like a diabetics blood sugars are fine but there are other days where the effort of breathing is almost more than I am capable of.

I could easily be a drug addict or alcoholic. I'm sure I would get more sympathy if I was. But, I don't.
I have considered killing myself more times than I can count. I have multiple plans on how I would do it. I know that if I do my son will qualify for survivors benefits from the government. I wait until the last minute to get out of bed every morning because today is the day I'm finally going to give up. What does it matter if I get out of bed? Oh that's right, money. And all those people who rely on me to make money. The money that I stress about every single week because it's never enough.

So every single day I drag myself out of bed. I get dressed and I go to work. I do this knowing that I won't get anything out of it. I do this knowing that it will actually create more stress not less. I do this knowing that no matter what I do it will never be enough and that my son will hate me for it. Because to him I am never there. And I am never happy. But for him I get up and I do it. Every. Single. Day.

That is willpower.

Personality

I had to take that personality test thing for my first semester of college. For Communications 101. It had something to do with how our personalities affected our communication. Completely pointless. But I have found a use, a purpose, for it. Some brilliant person combined it with the wonderfulness of Disney and now I'm going to comment on it. 

.

I am Mufasa!!!!  I guess after reading the description that may not be such a good thing. Most likely to stand up for those who are persecuted....yup I'm all over that. AND to be persecuted by those for whom they stand.....well that just figures. But for me it's go big or go home. It looks like I'm in good company too. Martin Luther King Jr., Lincoln, Jesus, and Gandhi were all game changers in their own ways. 

Come on who doesn't want to be Tarzan?? Well, maybe a version of Tarzan that embraces indoor plumbing. 

Most likely to adopt a dog bwsed on aesthetics cracks me up. But Roger is a good guy you could do a whole lot worse.

Like you could be Gaston. Ugh. But keep in mind all personality types have good and bad points....

Did anyone else start singing when they saw this picture? No? Just Me? OK then. I think those are great personality traits and you'd be lucky to be Belle.

"The Guardian" sounds dangerous. And very hall monitor like. You go Horsie! 

(I forgot the horses name)

Pocahontas...spunky and yet willing to do what's right no matter what. I'm down with that.

The classic bad boy turned good. 

It's Sheldon! Bazinga!

There's a reason it's called Peter Pan syndrome.

The classic scientist archetype.

Will know what you want and need before you do...creepy

This is my dad. But, my dad is -5 on the Captain Jack Sparrow coolness meter.

This is my sister. She is not a dreamer.

OK this just made me laugh.

Buck up Bubba

If you want to find out which Disney character you are you can take the test here:

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

Alabama: Crazy laws

Crazy Alabama laws

For the state:

Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
Well that cancels my weekend plans

Incestuous marriages are legal.

No comment

It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

Isn't that illegal everywhere???

It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

I don't want to go to work so I'm going to cut my arm off. It's illegal? Oh. Never mind.

Masks may not be worn in public.

I bet Halloween is fun in Alabama

It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of spooking horses.

It's also unlucky to open them inside....I guess you just have to get wet.

Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

Oh the power!

It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

Mom said you have to be home when the streetlights come on

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

Alabama...taking all the fun out of driving

Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

But checkers is ok

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

Make sure your fake moustasche is solemn.

Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

What??? Why??? 

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

Because they may come back and hit you in the face.

It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

1 if by land 2 if by sea.

You must have windshield wipers on your car.

This just made me giggle.

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

You know your mama wrote this law.

City Laws in Alabama

Anniston

You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

Take them off and walk down in your underwear

Auburn

No person may spit on the floor of a church.

It's just rude.

It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area.

Ummmmm....

Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.

This is why honeymoons were invented.

Huntsville

If an animal control officer is in uniform, it signifies to the public that he is an animal control officer.

Huntsville: stating the obvious since 1809

Mobile

Women may not wear a ‘lewd dress’ in public.

Just to be safe always wear sweatpants. If your guy complains that you never dress up refer him to this law.

No one may use a ‘funk ball’ within the city limits.

I don't even know what that is! How do I know if I'm breaking the law??!!!

Bathing in city fountains is prohibited.

We have indoor plumbing now!

No person within the city may possess confetti.

Does this mean you can't own a shredder?

It is illegal to spit orange peels on the sidewalk.

Cherry pits are fine though. Wait....shouldn't that be banana peels? I have seen a lot of cartoons and I've never seen anyone slip on an orange peel.

‘Spray String’ is banned.

Moms should not be allowed to make laws

Most locales do not have this problem, but Mobile found it necessary to ban bicycles from the interstate highways.

But, but, but.....

If one wishes to read palms in the city, they must first pay $10 for a permit.

That is oddly specific

It is illegal to howl at ladies within the city limits.

I seriously want to go stand at the city line and howl at ladies now.

It is unlawful to wear women’s pumps with sharp, high heels.

Mobile...just leaving women defenseless

Laws found at: http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/alabama?page=20