Guard dogs

It is official. My dogs see my laying in bed as some form of submission or helplessness. Every night I lay down and all rules and decorum go right out the window. Every night we go through the same thing (from the perspective of my dogs):

• Push mom around until she gets mad and yells.
• Wrestle with each other, noisily, until mom yells.
• Get back into the bed and try and scrunch our bodies around mom. This is not easy as we are large and not particularly limber. But, we will not give up because we are stubborn.
• Give mom goodnight kisses right on the face which makes mom yell.
• Just as soon as mom is comfortable and drifting to sleep, we decide we could not possibly be any more uncomfortable, so we go lay on the floor.

If this isn't enough, last night was a new form of fun. After all of these steps had been performed I was in bed alone. I drummed my fingers on the wall. I don't know why I did but I promise you it will never happen again. My dogs went into Def Con protective mode. We were at level red. Nothing so horrible had ever happened in the history of the world. Protection mode started with massive amounts of barking. I'm talking soothingly to them, telling them it was just me, while trying not to laugh. 

The next thing I know I have two hundred pounds of barking dog sitting on me. One was on my chest, the other on my legs. They were looking at the door, sure that at any moment a wild monster was going to burst in and murder me. If this ever happens I must remember to be upright as I couldn't move!

I wonder if my dogs would be able to appreciate the irony of them killing me via smothering while protecting me from danger.