Death

5:30 am and I am standing outside, waiting for my dogs, contemplating  the fragility of life and the specter of death.

Last night was the memorial episode for Corey Monteith on Glee. While his friends and family mourned the death of a loved one onscreen, for all the world to see, the fans mourned the character of Finn Hudson and the actor who played him. And it hurt. It hurt to watch those people go through that pain.

I wanted to rage, and scream, and throw up. But, even though at times I couldn't breathe, I couldn't cry either. In a little over a year I have watched 3 people I was close to die. I haven't cried over any of them.

I cry out of frustration, happiness, and relief. Or because it's Tuesday. The only time I cry out of grief anymore is over my son. I am in mourning for myself and for the life I wasn't able to give him. I guess there just isn't room for anything else.

Or maybe it's that I don't think death is the worst thing that can happen. Sometimes it is the best. Holding the hand of someone for days or weeks, while they slowly suffer from their own body attacking and killing them is hard. Drowning in your own fluids, as your lungs slowly fill up with mucous has to be harder.

Dumbledore said "Death is but the next great adventure."

Buffy said "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it."

They're both right.

Last night on  the show Puck pointed to the line between Finn's date of birth and death and said, "This line was his life." Make the most of your life and HAVE A GOOD LINE.