Zombie Dark Thirty

Started my day at 4 am. 4 is early. The birds arent even awake. Drove two hours to work. I came up with an amazing blog idea on the drive. Couldn't write it down or anything because of the driving and now the idea is gone forever....or at least until it occurs to me again.

Get to the patients house, 2 hours in the middle of nowhere. In the dark. The deep deep dark. And rain. After listening to a zombie book for 2 hours.

 At the end of the long gravel drive are two lihts. Two houses. No one told me there would be two houses. Its before 7 am and I'm not sure what to do. All I can think of is my zombie book. I'm not afraid of zombies I'm afraid that if I come out of the dark someone might think I am a zombie.so I very bravely tried calling the phone number that I had for the family.

Of course no one answered the phone. I knocked on the door, knocked again, and a third time. Finally,  I got an answer. No zombies or zombie killers.

Soon it will be 8 am....

Phenomenal Woman

The poem, “Phenomenal Woman” by Maya Angelou, celebrates womanhood. It is a call to women to love themselves no matter how they look. It is crying out to women to celebrate their strength and their power. To revel in their beauty. To embrace everything that being a woman means.

             “Pretty women wonder where my secret lies, I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size.” (Angelou) The first two lines of this poem set up the foundation of the poem. That foundation being, the speaker is not a pretty woman. Or, to be more accurate, she is not considered to be pretty in the conventional sense.

            “But when I start to tell them, they think I’m telling lies.” In the next two lines she takes the time to explain it to the pretty women. But, those women think she is lying. Those women believe that pretty is the only thing worth being. What they don’t understand, and what the speaker tries to explain, is that self-confidence is a woman’s best accessory.

            Men and women are both attracted to confidence in others. “We actually show people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. If we don’t love who we really are deep down inside we tend to subconsciously believe that we don’t deserve love.” (hsamuel) These pretty women don’t believe that they are worth anything outside of their appearance.

            “I say” (Angelou) From this point on, the power of this poem comes to the forefront. The line is just two words, but such powerful words they are. I can see the speaker in my mind tossing back her hair, looking you straight in the eye, and commanding the attention of every person around her.

            “It’s in the reach of my arms, the span of my hips, the stride of my step, the curl of my lips.” (Angelou) Every single aspect of being a woman is what makes her powerful. In this stanza she speaks of the physical aspects. None of the aspects that she speaks of are things that are thought of as the ideal for physical beauty. The power of the woman, any woman, is in the confidence.

            “I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman,   that’s me.” (Angelou) The rest of the stanza says it all. That is all the speaker needs to know. All she needs to tell you. I am a woman, you are a woman. That is where our power lies. As a woman you must embrace that power, and use it.

            “I walk into a room. Just as cool as you please, and to a man, the fellows stand or fall down on their knees.” (Angelou) These men can sense her power. They can sense her self-confidence. They can see the true beauty of the woman. It isn’t physical, but it is there nonetheless.

“Then they swarm around me, a hive of honey bees.” (Angelou) This is a profound statement. Bees live in a matriarchal society. Everything that they do is to favor and protect their queen.      The domination of female power is evident in all classes of the animal kingdom. In some instances, such as praying mantises, females are the bringer and takers of life.

“I say,” (Angelou) There it is again, the two most powerful words in this poem. Throw your head back and shout. I say, because I know. I say, because I am the one in control. I say, because I have the power. I say, because I am beautiful. I say, because I am strong. I say, because I am a woman.

“It’s the fire in my eyes, and the flash of my teeth,” (Angelou) She is describing the passion here. The fire in her eyes shows anger, lust, or pain. The flash of the teeth could show happiness, ire, or sadness. Regardless of the emotion, it is all about the passion. Passion draws people in like flies to honey.

  “The swing in my waist, and the joy in my feet.”   (Angelou) In this part of the description she has stepped away from the physical completely. There is not a physical feature that can contend with the sheer womanly force that she possesses. It could be alluding to dancing. For centuries, dancing has been an outlet for passion.

“I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me.” (Angelou) One of the definitions of phenomenal is “known through the senses rather than through thought or intuition.” (www.merriam-webster.com) This means that people are drawn to a powerful woman without even knowing why.

“Men themselves have wondered   what they see in me.” (Angelou) It is biologic; the instinctual need for a strong, confident woman. This biological urge is the need for a woman that could protect her young from a predator. That could make a home for her family despite the odds.

“They try so much, but they can’t touch my inner mystery. When I try to show them, they say they still can’t see.” (Angelou) They are drawn in, almost against their will. The need to possess and protect is a strong instinct. They are drawn to the woman, to the power. Like the drones are drawn to the queen.

“I say, it’s in the arch of my back, the sun of my smile, the ride of my breasts, the grace of my style. I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me.” (Angelou) These are untouchable, unreachable qualities. There is not an amount of makeup, surgery, or designer labels that can make up the qualities of a truly secure, powerful woman.

“Now you understand just why my head’s not bowed.” (Angelou) A woman, any woman, should never hang her head. Every woman has the power. They just have to learn how to tap into it. All that is required is the belief that the woman is worthwhile. Every woman is in charge of their world.

“I don’t shout or jump about or have to talk real loud.” (Angelou) A truly powerful woman does not have to draw attention to herself. She does not have to seek out the attention. She does not even have to wait for the attention. The attention is already hers to own and use as she sees fit

“When you see me passing, it ought to make you proud.” (Angelou) It should make any woman proud to see another strong confident woman. If we, as women, would spend more time building each other up, instead of tearing each other down, there would be more of us. Hopefully, that would lead to a world where women were no longer used and abused.

“I say,” as once again she squares her shoulders and asserts her power. “It’s in the click of my heels, the bend of my hair.” (Angelou) The power is in every pore of her being. The power is in the very rhythm of her walk. The power is hers. She owns the power. She controls the power. She is the power.

“The palm of my hand, the need for my care.” (Angelou)Women are the bringers of life, the healers of the sick, and the bosom of the family. There is a reason we call it Mother Earth, not Father Earth. Women hold the power of the world in the palms of their hands, because without women there wouldn’t be a world.

“’Cause I’m a woman phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, that’s me.” (Angelou) Embrace your womanly power. Know that you are beautiful. Be confident in your strength. You are woman; wear the badge with honor and pride. Be the phenomenal woman that you were born to be.

Works Cited

 

Angelou, Maya. www.poetryfoundation.org. 2013. web. 29 October 2103.

hsamuel. "The single greatest attractive quality- confidence." 24 April 2009. www.hubpages.com. web. 29 October 2013.

www.merriam-webster.com. 2013. web. 29 October 2013.

Idle Ramblings From A Manic Mind

I promised that I would be back to the wonderful world of blogging today. I had a plan. I was going to get up, walk the dogs, fix breakfast, and talk to you all while I drank my coffee.

Instead, I couldn't sleep last night. So, I woke up, realized it was storming outside, and went back to sleep. By the time I actually got up and around, the newspaper in it's lovely plastic sleeve, was soaked completely through. This makes me wonder what in the world happened while I was asleep, although I must say I'm not upset that I missed it.

I just realized that I have not had any coffee yet today. Maybe, that's why I'm having such a hard time writing this poetry explication. What is that you ask? I have no freaking clue what it is. The best I can decipher is that I'm supposed to explain to my audience what a poem means. I suppose my audience is too lazy to figure it out for themselves.

Off to google I go. Explication-To make clear the meaning of; explain. SERIOUSLY???? Isn't the point of poetry for you to decide what it means to you?? You don't need me to tell you what to think!!!

Anyway....stay tuned tomorrow as I will be posting this paper cause tomorrow is when it is due and I need to finish writing that bad boy.

Miss Me?

I have been on hiatus for a couple of weeks. I had a severe case of ennui. (Look it up) If I was a smart little Maggi blogger I would have reposted some of my old posts. But I'm not. Plus I really hate repeating myself. This is possibly why people think I'm random with no attention span. I mean besides the fact that I'm random with no attention span. So I'm back. Not necessarily better. Probably not better. Maybe more random. Who knows. You'll just have to keep coming back to find out.

Tune in tomorrow.

Indiana: Silly Laws

Indiana Silly Laws

Statewide

Waitresses may not carry drinks into a restaurant or bar.
That's a bartenders job
It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public.
What if he hides it really well?
Hotel sheets must be exactly 99 inches long and 81 inches wide.
Who is in charge of measuring them?
If any person has a puppet show, wire dancing or tumbling act in the state of Indiana and receives money for it, they will be fined $3 under the Act to Prevent Certain Immoral Practices.
If you do it for free it is fine.
Anyone 14 or older who profanely curses, damns or swears by the name of God, Jesus Christ or the Holy Ghost, shall be fined one to three dollars for each offense, with a maximum fine of ten dollars per day.
Which is worth $1 and which is worth 3? I want to make sure I get my money's worth.
A three dollar fine per pack will be imposed on anyone playing cards in Indiana under the Act for the Prevention of Gaming.
Indiana is only worried about your moral fiber in $3 increments
The value of Pi is 3.
Isn't that bad for Pi's self esteem?
Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.
Add ice
You are required to pour your drink into a glass.
So that you can add ice. Indiana's got your back.
You can get out of paying for a dependent’s medical care by praying for him/her.
Dude.....
“Spiteful Gossip” and “talking behind a person’s back” are illegal.
And rude
One may not sniff glue.
Good plan
One man may not back into a parking spot because it prevents police officers from seeing the license plate.
Why not just require license plates on both ends of the car?
State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post.
I think this violates Newton's law
A person must get a referral from a licensed physician if he or she wishes to see a hypnotist unless the desired procedure is to quit smoking or lose weight.
Shouldn't that be the other way around?
Smoking in the state legislature building is banned, except when the legislature is in session.
Thinking of idiots making decisions makes me want to smoke too.
All males 18 to 50 years old must work six days a year on public roads.
Indiana's version of Department of Transportation
Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
Please tell me showers are legal
Check forgery can be punished with public flogging up to 100 stripes.
This is either the perfect punishment or WAY over the line. I can't decide which.
Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.
Habitually??
It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.
Give them car salesmen a day off
Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights.
Where does one find wearable tail lights?

City Laws in Indiana

Beech Grove

It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.
Do that kind of thing in your home. With the blinds pulled. And the lights off.

Elkhart

It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid’s ears.
Did Floyd the barber ever threaten Opie's ears?

Evansville

While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.
Driving at night should be an adventure

Fort Wayne

You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record “It`s In the Book”.
The what???

Gary

Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.
There might be a vampire. Vampires have rights too.

Indianapolis

Hopefully, residents of the city have speedometers on their horses, for they can not ride them in excess of ten miles per hour.
Ummmm....

One may only throw a stone at a bird in self-defense.
What kind of birds do they have in Indiana?

No person may collect rags on Sunday.
Why would you want to any day?

South Bend

It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.

Only in a college town....

Terre Haute

No one may spit on the sidewalk.

Spit in the street

Warsaw

No one may throw an old computer across the street at their neighbor.

What else am I supposed to do with it?

Death

5:30 am and I am standing outside, waiting for my dogs, contemplating  the fragility of life and the specter of death.

Last night was the memorial episode for Corey Monteith on Glee. While his friends and family mourned the death of a loved one onscreen, for all the world to see, the fans mourned the character of Finn Hudson and the actor who played him. And it hurt. It hurt to watch those people go through that pain.

I wanted to rage, and scream, and throw up. But, even though at times I couldn't breathe, I couldn't cry either. In a little over a year I have watched 3 people I was close to die. I haven't cried over any of them.

I cry out of frustration, happiness, and relief. Or because it's Tuesday. The only time I cry out of grief anymore is over my son. I am in mourning for myself and for the life I wasn't able to give him. I guess there just isn't room for anything else.

Or maybe it's that I don't think death is the worst thing that can happen. Sometimes it is the best. Holding the hand of someone for days or weeks, while they slowly suffer from their own body attacking and killing them is hard. Drowning in your own fluids, as your lungs slowly fill up with mucous has to be harder.

Dumbledore said "Death is but the next great adventure."

Buffy said "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it."

They're both right.

Last night on  the show Puck pointed to the line between Finn's date of birth and death and said, "This line was his life." Make the most of your life and HAVE A GOOD LINE.

Kentucky and Louisiana Silly Laws

Kentucky: Silly Laws

Statewide

Throwing eggs at a public speaker could result in up to one year in prison. (Repealed, 1975)
I wasn't sure what to say about this, then I saw it was repealed and now I don't want to throw eggs anymore. Blast my rebel heart.
One may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale unless more than six are for sale at once.
Because the blue ones are in higher demand than the green ones???
It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky.
I guess it isn't sporting

City Laws in Kentucky

Fort Thomas

Dogs may not molest cars.
Who is telling the dogs?

Owensboro

One may not receive anal sex.
But one may give it??
A woman may not buy a hat without her husband’s permission.
This completely dumbfounds me.

Louisiana: Silly Laws

Statewide

Persons could land in jail for up to ten years for stealing an alligator.
What if I find an alligator wandering around aimlessly?
It is a $500 fine to instruct a pizza delivery man to deliver a pizza to your friend without them knowing.
Uh huh....can I send one to a stranger? And wait! What if I pay for my friends pizza?
Running an abortion advertisement can land you in jail for a year.
Land who in jail exactly?
“Fake” wrestling matches are prohibited.
I could make an argument that everything is fake.
Spectators at a boxing match may not mock one of the contestants.
It's a gentlemen's sport
One could possibly land in jail for 20 years upon urinating in the city’s water supply.
Do they not have filtration systems in Louisiana?
A law was passed with the specific intent of stating the punishment for stealing crawfish.
What is the punsihment?? Don't leave me wondering.
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
How many times did this happen before it became illegal?
Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault.
You're aggravated because you can't bite as well with false teeth?
It is illegal to gargle in public places.
Good! Nobody wants to see that.
Rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed.
What if it's not a ritual? Also ewwww!
One could land in jail for up to a year for making a false promise.
That seems a little harsh
Every time a person is seriously burned, he must report the injury to the fire marshal.
Someone define serious for me
Prisoners who hurt themselves could serve an additional two years in jail.
Even if it was an accident?
It is illegal to shoot lasers at police officers.
Did aliens invade Louisiana at some point?
One may not “dare” another to go onto railroad tracks owned by another.
So I can dare them to go on them if I own them? Or I can go on them myself. 
It is illegal to steal a “movable” even if it classified as an “immovable”.
A what????

City Laws in Louisiana

Jefferson Parish

All garbage must be cooked before it can be fed to any hogs.
I'm pretty sure hogs aren't that picky
Minors may not go to businesses with coin-operated foosball machines unless accompanied by an adult.

Foosball is a gateway game

No one may pour a drink out on the ground at any drive-in movie.

No drinks for my dead homies

New Orleans

Don’t try to do any kind of fancy bicycle riding in this town.

Fancy? Like dressed up bicycle riding?

Horses may not be tied to a tree on a public highway.

Why is there a tree on the highway?

One may not host a game of marbles at Lafayette Square unless he or she first obtains a written permit from the parkway and park commission.

That's the domino players turf

Chasing fish in a city park is against the law.

Is this a Dr Suess book?

“Mardi Gras Beads may not be thrown from a third story window.

Those things hurt!

City commission members may not drink during a public meeting or risk a $50 fine.

$50 might be worth it

It is illegal to practice voodoo in the city limits.

That's why the voodoo doctors in the movies are always in the swamp

Snakes are not allowed within 200 yards of the Mardi Gras parade route.

Paging Dr Doolittle

“No Smoking signs shall be placed on all floats used during a parade.

Who are the signs for?

Condoms may not be thrown from parade floats during Mardi Gras.

Are they promoting abstinence at Mardi Gras?

No one may throw a bottle of Coke at a parade float.

This law sponsored by Pepsi

Television reporters may not throw candy to the crowd during a parade.

They have important parade coverage to be paying attention to 

You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

It might eat the dogs

It illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.

Apparently the men of Louisianna run fast

Port Allen

No person may predict another’s future.

Does that include warning people when they are about to hurt themselves?

Only two people may picket on a sidewalk at a time, and they must stay at least five feet apart at all times.

We wouldn't want your social disobedience to impede our walkways

It is illegal to be an alcoholic.

Is it legal to be a drug addict?

Saying obscene things on the telephone is illegal.

Define obscene

Drive-thru liquor stores are outlawed.

Wouldn't it be easier to outlaw drunk driving?

It is illegal to have sex with a cow.

Specifically a cow? You are fine with other farm animals?

Silly laws found at www.dumblaws.com

The Choices of Harry Potter

In Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone J.K. Rowling introduces us to a world of magic. In this book  wizards and witches perform magic as if they are going shopping on a typical Friday evening. These instances of magic are not the true magic of this book however. The true magic is that the book is all about the choices we make and how those choices can lead a person to become a hero or a villain.

The protagonist of this book, Harry Potter, is not introduced right away. Instead Ms. Rowling writes about a perfectly normal family, the Dursleys, who could not be happier to be normal. But, behind closed doors they have a secret. They know of a world far different from their own. That world is soon to be literally dropped on their doorstep.

Many characters make choices that directly or indirectly affect Harry Potter throughout the story. The great wizard Dumbledore chooses to leave Harry with his aunt and uncle, Vernon and Petunia Dursley, rather than keep him in the wizarding world. If Harry had grown up in the wizarding world he may have grown up to be an entitled bully.

Harry Potter is introduced as an infant. As an infant he could not be any less threatening to two grown adults. Yet the appearance of Harry on their doorstep threatens the very fabric of their lives. They made the choice to stamp any magic or uniqueness out of him. They do this with threats, physical violence, and overall neglect.

Harry receives the chance for his first personal choice when Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts, shows up and tells him he is a wizard. Harry could choose to follow in the footsteps of his aunt and uncle, and decide to turn his back on the unknown. Instead, he chooses to take the chance, and walk into the unknown.

When Harry enters the wizarding world for the first time, he learns that he is a legend rather than a nobody. He is thrust into a world where people fight to shake his hand. He is offered friendship by the popular rich kid clan. Instead, he chooses to become friends with the youngest brother in the Weasley clan, Ron. The Weasley’s are financially poor,but are some of the kindest and best people Harry will come to know.

Harry chooses to stand up to the bullies, Draco Malfoy and his friends Crabbe and Goyle, on behalf of another student named Neville Longbottom. Harry could have kept silent, allowing Neville to be persecuted. Instead, Harry stands up to Draco, and in a move that could have gotten him in serious trouble, flies after Draco to retrieve Neville’s property. That choice led Harry to be placed on his house Quidditch team, making him the youngest player in a century.

Harry’s choice to disobey the rules has good and bad consequences on a regular basis. On Halloween, Harry and Ron flout the orders of the headmaster when it is announced that a troll is loose in the castle. Instead, they choose to go and find Hermione to warn her. They did not like Hermione, but they did not want to see her injured. This choice leads to a battle with a troll. An unexpected result was a new friend. J.K Rowling writes, “But from that moment on, Hermione Granger became their firend. There are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot moumtain troll is one of them.” (Rowling)

 Harry puts himself, and his friends, in danger more than once because of the choices that he makes. He chooses to respond to the taunts of Draco Malfoy by agreeing to meet Draco in the middle of the night for a wizard duel. This decision leads Harry, Ron, and Hermione to nearly be eaten by a three headed dog that is hidden in the castle.

Harry is bullied by one of the teachers, Professor Severus Snape. Harry believes that Snape is his enemy and the antagonist of this story. We find out by the end of the story that Snape makes the choice to protect Harry despite a deep seated hatred for Harry’s father. This choice savesHarry’s life more than once.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione believe that Professor Snape is in league with the wizard that killed Harry’s parents, Voldemort. They believe that Snape is trying to steal the Sorcerer’s Stone to give it to Voldemort. This would allow Voldemort to return as the greatest dark wizard in history. They make the choice to follow Snape into the maze under the castle that leads to the Stone.

This is a choice that could lead the threesome into mortal peril.They throw caution to the wind, and set off to protect the school and the wizarding world. This choice leads them to be injured, tested, and nearly killed.

Before they are even able to leave their common room, another character makes a choice. Neville Longbottom, who has been established as a comedic character that is afraid of his own shadow, makes the choice to confront the trio. Even though he is visibly frightened he tells them he will not let them leave. This choice leads him to be a minor hero of the final feast when the points he wins for bravery allow Gryffindor to win the house cup.

In the darkest reaches of the castle, Harry meets the true antagonist of the story. It is Professor Quirrell, who made the choice to align himself with evil. Quirrell allows himself to be possessed by Voldemort. This decision ultimately leads to Quirrell’s death.

After Harry does what heroes do, and saves the day, we find him talking to Dumbledore in the hospital wing. Dumbledore tells him about the choices that were made by some of the characters. The most important of those being a choice that Harry’s mother made years before. The choice to give her own life to protect him.

In the Ultimate Unofficial Guide to the Mysteries of Harry Potter it says,”Dumbledore tells Harry, ‘your mother died to save you.’ Dumbledore also lets Harry know that the protection his mother gave him from her powerful, loving spell is still with him-in his very skin.” (Waters) His mother’s choice to protect her child allowed Harry to fight off the combined forces of Quirrell and Voldemort.

            Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone is set in a magical world in order to catch the attention of the reader. Once she has that attention, J.K. Rowling nudges choice into the consciousness of the reader. The choices of her characters lead to Harry making friends, being protected, and saving the day. Choice is some of the strongest magic a person can possess.

Kansas: Silly Laws

Kansas Silly Laws

Statewide

Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
Where does one find wearable tail lights?
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
Sorry mountain men
The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
It might scare the ducks
If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.
It's a Zen riddle

City Laws in Kansas

Derby

It is illegal to urinate on the side of a building.
Where is it legal?
Hitting a vending machine that stole your money is illegal.
Vending machines are sensitive
Persons may not “screech” their tires while driving.
Don't park on a hill
Riding an animal down any road is against the law.
Ride in the ditch

Dodge City

It is illegal to spit on a sidewalk.
Marshall Dillon don't like it

Lawrence

All cars entering the city limits must first sound their horn to warn the horses of their arrival.
Who put the horses in charge?
No one may wear a bee in their hat.
Seems like a sound plan

Overland Park

One may not picket a funeral.
Take that Westboro Baptist Church

Russell

Musical car horns are banned.
We won't be seeing the General Lee there

Salina

It is against the law to leave your car running unattended.
I'm sure it cuts down on theft

Topeka

It is illegal to drive one’s car through a parade.
What if you are part of the parade?
No one may sing the alphabet on the streets at night.
We prefer Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
Spitting on sidewalks is expressly forbidden.
Good
Snowball fights are illegal.
Someone is a sore loser
Dead chickens may not be hauled across Kansas Avenue.
What if your house and the grocery store are on opposite sides of Kansas Avenue?
The ‘Wild West’ is long gone it seems, for driving your herd of cattle through this town is now outlawed.
Probably a good thing
No matter how nice it may be, a pet Pit Bull is not allowed within the city limits.
This just pisses me off
No one may scream at a haunted house.
Haunted houses in Topeka must be lame
The installation of bathtubs is prohibited.
Please tell me showers are legal

Wellington

Residents are now limited to no more than four cats per household
We don't want Animal Hoarders showing up

Wichita

One can be sent to jail for up to a year for making lewd comments over the telephone.
Define lewd
Don’t get carried away in the city parks.
Stay on your own two feet
One must get a permit from the city if they wish to take dirt from the airport.
Something special about airport dirt?
Hopefully everyone in the city has a trash can, because dumping their waste in a city pool is against the law.
How long was this a problem before it became law?
Before proceeding through the intersection of Douglas and Broadway, a motorist is required to get out of their vehicle and fire three shot gun rounds into the air.
What happens after that????
Any person caught using or carrying bean snappers or the like shall upon conviction, be fined.

What exactly is a bean snapper?

Silly laws found at: http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/kansas?page=0

Iowa: Silly Laws

Iowa: Silly Laws

Statewide

It is a crime to use a dead person’s handicapped parking sign or license plate
Is this actually legal somewhere?
It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.
That's one way to catch dumb criminals
A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.
What about in private?
One-armed piano players must perform for free.
Discrimination! Call the ACLU!
Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.
Once again...What about in private?
All boxes used to pick hops must be exactly 36 inches long.
What the...???
Tanning bed facilities must warn of the risk of getting a sunburn.
Pretty sure that's a federal regulation
A board was created to regulate among other things, hearing aids.
Well okay then
Ministers must obtain a permit to carry their liquor across state lines.
What about everybody else?
Doctors who treat a person with gonorrhea must report this to the local board of health and include the disease’s “probable origin”.
Yeah I'm pretty sure that's also a federal law

City Laws in Iowa

Bettendorf

Liquor stores may not place advertisements for beer outside the store.
Whiskey advertisements are fine

Cedar Rapids

It is illegal to read persons palms in the city limits.
That's a county issue

Dubuque

Any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building.
I think Dubuque misunderstands the term horsepower

Fort Madison

The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.
Burn baby burn Fort Madison is pyro paradise

Indianola

The “Ice Cream Man” and his truck are banned.
What about his annoying song?

Marshalltown

Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.
Where are these people getting their horses?

Mount Vernon

All softball diamond lights must be turned off by 10:30 PM.
What about hardball?? Ipowa seems to be the birthplace of discrimination.
One must obtain written permission from the City Council before throwing bricks into a highway.
Well yeah
No person may pick a flower from a city park.
If one person does then it spirals out of control

Ottumwa

Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.
Once again...a county issue

Laws found at http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/iowa

Illinois: Silly Laws

Illinois Silly Laws

Statewide:

Sex offenders in Illinois are prohibited from participating in holiday events like handing out candy at Halloween or dressing like Santa at Christmas, except under specific circumstances
I fully support this law

Those under 21 can drink legally, but they must be enrolled in a culinary program to do so

It's because of the cooking sherry

It is illegal to hang “obstructions” from the rear view mirror, including fuzzy dice, air fresheners, GPS units, etc.

Be safe hold your GPS in your hand

The English language is not to be spoken.
This must be why we have to push one for English

You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.
But I have credit cards!

City Laws in Illinois

Champaign

One may not pee in his neighbor’s mouth.
Dumbfounded is me

Chicago

All businesses entering into contracts with the city must sift through their records and report any business they had dealing with slaves during the era of slavery.

What?

It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe’s neck.
This makes my head hurt

Kites may not be flown within the city limits.
Because of the airplanes??

In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.
This is why I prefer bottled beer.

It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.
1. Can a minor even get a permit 2. Doesn't this fall under the child pornography umbrella?

Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
I don't care if Denny's is on fire I'm finishing the Moons Over MyHammy

It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.
Dogs prefer beer anyway. Just don't give it to him in a bucket in Pullman on a curb.

Cicero

Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.
Nobody do nothin' fun on Sunday!

Collinsville

It is illegal to wear sagging pants in Collinsville, IL.
My first thought is Yay Collinsville!

Crete

It is considered an offense to attempt to have sex with one’s dog.
What if you succeed?

Cars may not be driven through the town.
How big is this town?

Crystal Lake

If one wishes to plant new sod in his or her yard in the summer months, that person may not use the city’s water to water it.
So...only people with private wells can have sod?

Des Plaines

Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.
All I can think is that there isn't a lot going on in Des Plaines

Evanston

Bowling is forbidden.
Someone is a sore loser.

It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.
1. When did automobiles have curtains? 2. Should I change with the curtains open? 3. What does fire have to do with anything?

Freeport

You must move your car back and forth everyday for 4 months out of the year regardless of weather conditions

Someone is just going to have to explain this to me

Galesburg

It is illegal to burn bird feathers.
Ok.......

Jostling others is illegal.
There are a lot of preadolescents in trouble 

No bicyclist may practice “fancy riding” on any city street.
So Tony Hawk stay away (I know that Tony Hawk is a skateboarder but I don't know any X games bike people)

No person may keep a smelly dog.

Aren't all dogs smelly?

There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.
Shouldn't that say prize?

Horner

It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.
The Horner Police Department keeps it old school

Joliet

Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town’s name mispronounced ‘Jolly-ETTE’ when all local folk know it’s pronounced ‘Joe-lee-ETTE’, made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.
It's the municipal version of a swear jar.

Kenilworth

A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow.
This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard

Kirkland

Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kirkland’s streets.
I spoke too soon

Moline

Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.
Makes sense

There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.
I don't even know what that is

Morton Grove

You may not own a handgun.
Says who???

Normal

It is against the law to make faces at dogs.
Because they can't make them back

Orland Park

No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.
It's the real life River City

Ottawa

Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.
Spit in the street instead

Park Ridge

Trucks may only park inside closed garages.
Whatcha got against trucks?

Peoria

Basketball hoops may not be installed on a driveway.
We prefer our children play in the street

Rock Island

Citizens are taxed because it rains on their property.
Makes the Boston Harbor Tea Party seem like a good idea

Zion

It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.
I guess that means undomesticated animals can smoke

Hawaii and Idaho Silly Laws

We've got Idaho and Hawaii here because they are both short lists.

Hawaii Wonky Laws

Statewide:

You may only have one alcoholic drink in front of you at a time

Bad law!!!

Coins are not allowed to be placed in one’s ears.

What about that pulling the coin out of the ear trick?

Billboards are outlawed.

This makes perfect sense

All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat.

I want to live somewhere that you have to have a boat by law.

Idaho's Wonky Laws

Statewide:

Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.
I always knew merry-go-rounds were immoral. All that spinning.
Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
Fat chick heaven
You may not fish on a camel’s back.
Well what else am I suopposed to use a camel for?

City Laws in Idaho

Boise

Residents may not fish from a giraffe’s back.
What the heck is going on in Idaho?

Coeur d Alene

If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects that the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk, or flash his lights and wait for three minutes before approaching the car.
It's only polite

Eagle

Persons may not camp out on sidewalks in the city.
But...how am I supposed to score Beiber tickets?
Dirt may not be swept from ones house into the street.
Keep that mess in your house!
Bicycles are not allowed in the tennis courts.
You might get clubbed or racqueted

Pocatello

A law passed in 1912 provided that “The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited to public view.
You can see my knife but not my submachine gun

A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face.
I am in so much trouble....

Laws found at: http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/idaho
                       http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/hawaii

So You Want To Be A Nurse

Most people don't understand what nurses do. This is not surprising as nursing covers just about every job you can think of. This is great because if (when) you get burned out you can change your entire career without the pesky education process.

But what does being a nurse MEAN? It means:

• working in one of the most physically, mentally, and emotionally difficult career fields
• working in one of the most rewarding career fields
• being there for a person and their family while they are dying
• standing up for people who can't stand up for themselves
• learning that you can't judge a book by it's cover
• learning what true priorities are
• being a spectator for the best and worst days of people's lives
• seeing the best and worst in people
• learning that most people don't handle emergencies the way they think they will
• sitting, holding the hand of, and just listening to someone who is lonely
• learning that everyone has a story
• working nights, weekends, and holidays
• add yours here

But the really big part of that is, no matter how good or bad things are...whether you saved someone's life or held someone's hand while they took their final breath...you can't talk to anyone about it. Because it violates a patient's right to privacy.

I hope you have a strong set of shoulders, the world is heavy.

Smart/Dumb Arses

I have a friend named Kana, if you follow my blog she is my most devoted or at least loudest follower, who only cusses in very very extreme situations. She says things like what the flip flop and flucker. Because, apparently the words mean more than the meaning behind them.

Anywho....she said I should write a blog about smart and/or dumb arses. Arses being one of her favorite words. I suppose she chose that topic because I am a smart arse. Actually I know that's why. I just don't remember the exact smart alecky thing I did to bring on the suggestion. It happens so often it's so hard to keep track. I am wildly smart arse-edly witty.

I am also a wild word maker upper. You can't find this level of quality just anywhere. Don't try I've looked.

Anywho again...I'm sure that the dumb arse part came from some wild and crazy experience that I was involved in with some idiot. And, knowing me as well as I do, I'm sure I said something incredibly smart and witty or at least mildly amusing. Today is one of those mildly amusing days. Or a day when I am striving for mildly amusing.

Smart and dumb all rolled into one.